I remember when I first found out I was preggers. It was 35 months ago and I had just returned from a trip from India and Dubai. When I was in Mumbai, celebrating my first anniversary, I began to feel rather ill. Of course, I thought it was something I had eaten and was sure it would pass. I remember feeling so awful and so sleepy all the time. I honestly had no idea that I could or would be pregnant. When you get pregnant your sense of smell increases and trust me, India is not a place where you want to catch a whiff of anything because, as much as I love the place, it smells!
I told my hubby that I could not take it anymore and perhaps we should cut our trip to India short and instead move on to a cleaner and smell free Dubai. So that is exactly what we did. Whilst in Dubai, as clean as it is, all I could smell was detergent and this made me feel worse. Of course, I noticed that the ‘sickness’ would come and go and 5 days later of my being ill, Raj told me that I must be pregnant and all I could think was, this is nothing like pregnancy; it is more like food poisoning with a severe case of some new smelling sickness and lethargy to boot. Lest we forget the gas – which I put down to acidity as I was not eating much.
At the breakfast table all I would want was milk and fruit. My appetite was never satiated as the fruit and milk tasted like plastic. Of course we debated if this could be a pregnancy but I was convinced it wasn’t as I was feeling sick all day, not just in the mornings. Still unsure and as we made our way through the malls I was joking with Raj when we passed the maternity shops. Call me completely feeble and silly, but I was still not convinced that I was actually pregnant. Did I mention I missed a period? I still couldn’t do the math! I remember one day when we went to the IBN Batuta mall and I felt like I could barely walk, Raj told me he would buy me a burger. I said sure, but asked him for a second while I went to the loo. In the loo I threw up and as I came out to wash my face at the sink, it sunk in – pardon the pun. I looked at myself in the mirror and said ‘OMG Pinx, you are so pregnant!’ When we arrived back home (I slept all the way on the plane, something that is so not me), Raj bought me a pregnancy test and when it tested positive I shouted his name and he replied with an ‘I know!’
Unfortunately my pregnancy did not last; I lost my baby at 6 weeks. When I went for the scan there was no heartbeat and at this stage the doctors saw no hope. Of course I hung on for another two weeks and at 8 weeks we decided to have a D n C.
After this, I tried for a long time to get pregnant again, this time on purpose, this time being aware of the symptoms of pregnancy (yes gas is one of them!) and this time counting the days, buying the ovulation kits and doing the 2ww (two week wait). It was agony. Every time I would be so sure that this was it, my aunt flo would pay a visit. Every time she would visit I would be in the loo and look up and say to God – why? Then I would text a friend of mine, who was also trying, and tell of my unwanted guest feeling completely demoralized and depleted.
Last April things changed. I consciously made the effort of getting pregnant, with the ovulation kit, the timing, the cushions under the butt, etc and after two weeks I got a faint positive. I waited two days and peed on a stick again and there it was two lines on my pregnancy test. This was so exciting. And then it hit me, that horrid nausea, the awful tiredness, the taste of metal in the back of my mouth. I kept reminding myself that this is what I had waited for and what I had been trying for, for almost a year.
Alas, this pregnancy was also not meant to be either. Because of the last loss, doctors wanted to make sure the fetus was ok. I went for a scan at 5 weeks and no heartbeat. I could not believe my luck. I prayed to God, I begged the doctors, I shouted at my mother and screamed at my husband. I could not understand why this was happening. I then consoled myself with the fact that it was too early to have a scan and waited. At 7 weeks, after changing my doctor, and going for another scan, I had to be very honest with myself and allow myself to let go of this pregnancy too. There was no heartbeat, there was no fetal growth, and when I started bleeding I knew that this baby was no more.
I don’t know why I did not give up. It is horrible to go through a loss like that and pick yourself up from it and move on. Although, I felt in my heart of hearts that I would indeed carry a pregnancy to term. After mourning the loss of yet another pregnancy, another child, the year 2010 was the year of receiving I told myself. I had found an excellent doctor and unlike the year 2008, I was very educated on being pregnant and what it took to get there. I planned it, tried and took a pregnancy test after 10 days. There it was, the 2 lines. I did not get over excited but I called my doctor who asked to see me the next day.
The first 12 weeks were crucial, I made sure I did not overdo it, I listened to my body; slept when it wanted to sleep, ate when it wanted to eat, shouted when the hormones went a bit crazy, burped when I needed to and promised myself that this baby would arrive happy and healthy.
Agreed, there were times when I felt that something had gone wrong, but feeling her kick and move inside me were great moments. I remember feeling so ill and asking myself why I would put myself through this again and again, but I would have people encouraging me and telling me to keep the end result in mind. As I type this, I look at the monitor and see her fast asleep in her nursery and thank God for bringing us this far. Pregnancy and parenting is a whole new ball game, but oh my word, it is totally worth
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