When reality sinks in....by raks

Let me clarify... in my last piece I said I cried my eyes out.  Not because I was overcome with joy that I would be blessed with a walking, talking living doll but because of all that I thought I would have to give up to accommodate this new being.  Yes – self-sacrifice has never been my forte and after living in South Africa for a good five years from the glaring eyes of society in Kenya I became well selfish.  God forbid we announce to the world that we are not all choked up and buying every baby item we see since the news of the impending birth!  I didn’t rush out and buy one million baby thingy me jiggy’s... I didn’t know what half of them were used for let alone the “right” names for them!  When one of my friends showed me a breast pump I thought it was some contraption you use to feed the baby... I had no idea that my role would include sitting for hours pumping breast milk like let’s face it a cow that has a herd of at least 6 calf’s! 

OK so I admit I did call home and all the family to announce the news but as I was trying to tell them I was laughing so much that none of them believed me.  My brother simply asked for a paternity test as I had been in Turkey and my hubby in South Africa – clearly he had no idea that it really does take one shot!!  Then I leaned in to take a swig of wine and stopped.  Not because of instinct or thinking that I would harm the baby, but because of my good old friend guilt.  Seriously had anyone ever told me that guilt would replace every normal emotion once you get pregnant I am not sure I would have!  Knowing that I have no capability whatsoever in will power or self discipline I signed up for Allan Carrs easy way to quit smoking!  I got a spot in the course 2 days later and said pointedly to my hubby that I would quit once I got to the course and would smoke guilt free until then!

So as I walk into this course full of a group of eclectics but bound soulfully by that one puff I decided that I didn’t want to quit.  I would just smoke away from the unapproving eyes and in the quiet calm of my home.  I mean I was short already so what more harm could it really do to the baby?  Oh I can see all you mothers shaking your heads in disgust and shame.  It was that thinking that made me want to smoke even more!!  You will be happy to know that I managed to quit... for exactly 12 months and the second I stopped breast feeding I inhaled once again!

This issue about the 3 month rule of not telling anyone about your pregnancy plagued me the most!  Listen I am not a good secret keeper.  Let me clarify...for those of you who want to share secrets with me that I need to take to my grave well bring them on.  For those of you who want to whisper in secret about who’s pregnant, who’s miscarried, who’s having an affair etc well in truth those are secrets that will get out and so please don’t share unless you want the truth out sooner rather than later!  So I understand that the first 12 weeks is precarious at best.   Therefore you are advised not to share lest you have an amnio and discover some horrible defect with your child and worse still miscarry.  However, surely the people that you are sharing the news with are exactly the same people you will look to for support god forbid you do face any of the million risks the first 12 weeks of pregnancy brings!  So yes I shared with anyone who would care to hear that I was pregnant.  No not because I was suddenly overcome by some sense of motherhood but because I like attention.  There ain’t nothing like a good old fashioned pregnancy to warrant a full 9 months of ooohing and aaahing over me!  And you thought I was lying when I said I was selfish!