To ceaser or not??? By Raks

One of the most controversial topics that I have come across is this one of c-sections.  Did you know that more babies are born abdominally than people lose gall bladders and tonsils?  For me personally it was never a choice.  No not because I had to have an emergency ceaser but simply put I believe very strongly that there is no need for me to sit under the proverbial tree and push out the watermelon after 40 hours of what I can only imagine is excruciating pain.  So yes I choose to have what we like to term a “planned” c –section.  Tut Tut.  Some of you may well believe that does not make me a woman but here’s the truth – I AM TOO POSH TO PUSH!  I have no idea who coined that term but it suits me to a tee. 

I am a consultant who had spent the last 3 years setting up and running a programme management office for the world cup in South Africa.  My life is about planning.  I write lists.  I tick off those lists.  Control freak you say? Hell yes! So I liked the idea of “planning” when the baby would come.  Granted I had some reservations.  I am not a believer in organised religion but the one thing I do believe in is Karma.  It has bitten me in the ass more times that I care to share so let’s just say it has worked its way into my book as the most important dogma to live by.  So here was my dilemma.  If I planned the date which my baby was born would I somehow be messing with its destiny? I mean I had a choice of dates and I picked the one that would make the baby a Sagittarius and not a scorpio so was I somehow messing up the circle of life? 

Like I said in my last blog, the plan was never to go into labour.  It was to check into the hospital like you do a hotel, get unpacked and test out the bed.  Things don’t always go accordingly to plan and for a crazy freak like me well of course sod’s law I somehow triggered the onset of labour.  The only thing I can think of was that I had sat in the pool the whole day before because it was the only place I could feel less like a whale.  A contradiction I know because in a skimpy bikini at 8.5 months pregnant I mean how could you not look like it right?  But the weightlessness of the water was just divine. 

So I wake up at six the next morning with a peculiar sensation I really can’t describe.  Ok will try...it was like a dull ache in my tummy like I had eaten too much poussin chicken and needed to go for a number 2 but I somehow couldn’t push.  My hubby was sure I was in labour but I was still convinced that I just needed a good dump!  So I went to get a cup of tea hoping to stir my bowels.  Nothing.  Every few minutes I would curl up cramping and was convinced I just needed a buscopan to cure me. After one hour of this back and forth my hubby announces that my contractions were 7 minutes apart. It was a good thing one of us was awake during those ante-natal classes!  So he picks up the bags  to put in the car (yes I told you I am a planner so they were packed down to the infinitesimal detail like which CD to play in theatre) Side bar – see you can even choose what music your baby hears with planned c –sections!  I just stood there and said “no way” we are not putting those bags in the car!  I am not looking like an eejit walking out of the hospital having had Braxton-hicks contractions or false labour.  I don’t intend to be one of those couples that regales stories of what a drama queen I was and how I had to rush to the hospital oodles of times because I wasn’t paying attention in class!  Besides I missed the whole lesson on Lamaze breathing because I was certain I was having a caesarean.  Turns out he was right.  I was in labour and the baby was coming.  So much for karma, destiny and all that planning! 

As I am being prepared for surgery, which entails basically dry shaving your privates – yuck, and having all sorts of needles stuck in you I realise that I have forgotten the camera!  So I refused to go into the operating theatre until the camera arrived. As we waited for the camera to arrive like it was precious cargo, my waters broke and I swear I was so embarrassed. I was sure that I had somehow lost complete sensation of my bladder and had pissed all over the gurney! I quietly whispered to one of the 8 nurses that I had pissed myself and could I get up and dry off but alas it was my waters.  Camera in hand we get wheeled into theatre.

Now normally epidural’s are quite effective, mine not so.  I felt the doctor literally sawing at my abdomen muscles but it was totally worth it for the morphine high I was plyed with.  Turns out I had placenta previa and they had to get the baby out quick as my placenta was already smothering him! So in twenty minutes out pops this baby and truth be told all I could think was “Its ugly man – put it back!!!”

The size of what is coming out of the size of what???!!!! by Pinks

So by the time you are past the 12 week mark you know that baby is safe and that the next three months, also known as the second trimester (not semester as many people I know refer to it as, I know strange folks) are supposed to be a breeze. Even the doctors tell you that after week 12 you are supposed to feel 'normal' again. Let's stop kidding each other, when you are pregnant you NEVER feel normal. In fact, you can kiss feeling normal again goodbye for like ever. I kid you not (pardon the pun!).

Anyway, when I hit week 15 I was still feeling sick, I think I threw up a couple of times and I had that awful metal taste in the back of my mouth. I remember feeling my stomach stretch as baby grew and ouch it hurt! This is the time you are meant to glow and radiate because of all the hormones. This is the time that people compliment you on how fabulous your bump looks and you are supposed to have tons of energy. This is the ideal time to plan for baby - name, choice of delivery, hospital to deliver in (not the Aga Khan Hospital, ask me why and I will inbox you my experience) country to deliver in, nursery theme and decor, etc. In your second trimester (not semester) you are supposed to have it all sorted.

Let's be honest, you probably started thinking of a name when you first found out you were preggers. Also, if you were like me you told everyone who was going to plan your baby shower where it would be held, when it would be held, what the theme would be and who would be invited. If you are anything like me, you started shopping from day one - any opportunity! You shop for yourself, then you shop for baby. You shop for yourself because, if you are anything like me, you have never owned a pair of flat shoes in your life and, well, because the centre of gravity in your body is about to or already has changed, you need to be more stable and not allow yourself to topple over - remember it is ALL about this being you are creating.

The fact of the matter is, as much as you may not show it, all you think about is this baby. You will find out the sex in this trimester (not semester) so that makes shopping and name naming easier. You think about your delivery - epidural, no pain meds, elective C, water birth, etc. You will, as we all do, want your delivery to be life altering and very memorable, you know and feel that you can handle the pain and you know that you will never ever have a C section, come what may. Let me tell you - plan it as much as you want, but whatever happens when baby is ready to come into this world, you will have absolutely NO control over it; that, my lovelies, is gospel truth!

Whatever you go through - vaginal discharge, leaks, swellings, etc - your doctor will comfort you and say it is normal. He will probably prescribe a pregnancy friendly medicine and tell you to relax. Relax is a word you will get used to because everyone will be telling you to 'relax'- you will have to relax no matter what because it is good for the baby. Remember, this is so not about you - it is about the being you are growing!

Anyway, as time passes by you may start walking or swimming as this gives you the strength to labour. You may opt for the lamaze classes. You may hire a doula, you may fly to Dubai to shop for the nursery. You may just go on holiday to the coast to, you know, 'relax'. Whatever you do, wherever you are and if you are going natural - don't think about a three point something kilo anything coming out of something as large as a keyhole, because if you focus on that, then you know you are going to want the being you are creating to set up camp right there in your uterus for as long as possible and send you pictures of his/her growth and development via facebook because the size of what coming out of the size of that, as often as it happens, is still inconceivably incredible and a little bit kooky!

The BLUBBER months... by Raks

So the 3 months goes by and suddenly you look down and where I once prided myself on washboard abs was replaced by a belly that looked as if it had one too many pints of beer at a Christmas party. It wasn’t big enough of a bulge for people to notice but enough for me to know that my skinny jeans would stay in the closet for now until god knows when!   Then one day you realise you can’t see your nee nee hoo anymore.  Seriously for those of you who trim and prim yourself all I can say is get used to a waxing lady or a really good friend to help you!  Because try as you might to push back that tummy and reach your nee nee hoo... well it just doesn’t work. 

The other interesting myth about pregnancy is this eating for two thing.  I mean really... such a teeny weeny thing growing inside you and yet I was eating for at least 5!  I know you don’t believe me but it is true.  At the end of my first pregnancy (yes can you believe I had more than one???) I weighed in exactly 22KG heavier!  Ah the good ol days when you couldn’t see the lines between my toes because water found a way to retain itself in every bit of my body.  The days when I’d convinced myself that a size 12 would fit me fine and I didn’t have to venture into the maternity section at Woolworths.  But seriously I don’t understand this.  It was like even my ears put on weight.  It was just everywhere!  OK I admit I ate a lot.  And not that fancy healthy organic rubbish... I ate it all. Mcdonalds, KFC, Pizza, Chips, Crisps, Chillis, Orange Maids, Sour sweets, and last but not least mud. Good old fashioned mud. I would literally take my spoon into the garden sit on the grass and munch happily away.  One day my hubby took me to an apartment that we were looking to invest in and I just said “get me out of here because I really need to eat the walls”. So naturally he got freaked out and rushed me to the emergency room.  Much to his chagrin the doctors did not pack me off to the loony bin but actually laughed at him and said it was a perfectly natural reaction and that my body just needed more iron and calcium!  That itsy bitsy thing growing inside you really does need everything!

Maternity clothes. Need I say more? Thank god it was summer in Jo’burg because had it been freezing I would have looked like a Sumo wrestler.  Most of the clothes I tried on made me look even bigger than I was.  All that nonsense about how it’s just pregnancy weight and you are not really fat is a load of bullocks.  You are FAT!  22Kg fatter than you were 7 months ago?! Get over it and stop trying to call it beautiful pregnancy weight or justifying it.  It is simple BLUBBER!  So naturally I did what any sane person would have done – I stayed naked. As much as possible. All the time. If I could have gone to work in the nude I would have. Oh the look on the FIFA’s executive faces would have been fantastic!

I am however proud to say that I did work till the very end of my pregnancy.  Hefty feet and fashion unconscious.  I think all that counsel about resting and taking it easy is just gobbledygook.  It’s not like in those last few months you can sleep anyway.  What with the 6 pillows you need to prop you up from every angle, the incessant peeing, the snoring loud enough to wake the neighbours.  And then there is the no sleeping on your back and inevitably I would roll onto mine and end up with low blood pressure.  So after one day of sitting my huge ass, belly and boobs (there are positives!) in the pool I went into labour... and that was not the plan!    

The First Three Months

Unlike Rakhee, my first three months (each time) were very eventful.
When 'they' (refer to Rakhee's blog to find out who they are) tell you it is morning sickness, lucky for some, it is, for me it was all day, all night, all the time sickness. It was awful. For those of you who don't know what it feels like, allow me to describe it to you the way I explained it to my husband and my brother, it is like a really bad hangover combined with bad food poisoning and this urge to snooze all the time.
In my first pregnancy I craved chillies in vinegar, in my second I hated my husband and with the last pregnancy I did not want to eat a thing - I just needed to suck on ice and I loved orange juice with lots of pulp. On the net 'they' told me to try ginger to help the nausea subside; I tried it in tea, in biscuits and of course in foods, but nothing. In fact, I felt worse! I always had to put something in my mouth just to take away the nausea - so if you saw me eating a sandwich, a chocolate, a sweet, anything, that was why. Pregnant women don't eat more because they are eating for two, they eat more just to help them feel better!

That was just morning sickness. Let me tell you about the mood swings. I did not like people during my pregnancy. I shouted and fought at any given opportunity. I got into shouting matches with matatu touts, to a point where I stopped the car, rolled up my sleeves and told the dude to bring it on. I knew that everyone was wrong and I was right. My husband and my mother bore the brunt of my moodiness oh yes, and the house help. I would wonder why they had resigned after 2 weeks of my ranting and raving and stomping my feet around the house like a tantrumy 10 year old!

If it is not the moods then it is your entire body doing things that you never thought it would do in public. Like bulging and bloating and swelling and perspiring and making noises that it would not otherwise do (it knows better!)

I remember when I was pregnant and I was told that after the first 12 weeks all this would disappear as the body gets used to producing a new being. Of course it is no small task, no wonder you are constantly tired and bizarre things are going on, you are producing a human life, you are bound to feel slightly off. I hate those women who have missed three periods and feel so normal that pregnancy didn't even cross their minds only to find out that they are 4 months into their pregnancy, argh! But like 'they' say, no two women are alike, no two pregnancies are alike - everything varies.

Sorry to be so blatant about it, but I honestly wished someone had told me all the dirty details. Not that it would have stopped me from having a baby, but at least forewarned is forearmed! I would have been better prepared.

Here I am with my baby aged three months, last year this time I was just finding out that I was preggers and to be honest, with all that comes with it, I am so ready to do it again. As 'they' say, the end result is so worth it, I couldn't agree more!!!

The 3 month grace period... by raks

So what exactly happens in those first 3 months anyway?  You go and buy a dozen books on what is happening with your body and throw in a few for the hubby to read for good measure like “The blokes guide to pregnancy”.   I must admit it did give him some good tips – things like what to say to you when you wake him at 5 am screaming at him in anger because you had a dream he cheated on you whilst you were pregnant, or how to never use lines like “darling it’s just your hormones”.  I for one didn’t read a single book or flip through a magazine even.  So you know how hypochondriacs  think that every little sniffle is some kind of cause for major surgery? Well when it comes to contra-indications or for that matter any indications I am the same.  I am sure I would have felt everything that every pregnant woman on the planet ever felt.  And who said that ignorance isn’t bliss?  I did however heed the advice of my doctor even though some of it truly was ridiculous.  Sushi. OK I am not a fan of raw anything let alone smelly fish but tell me what do the millions living in Japan do? Wine.  I mean come on!  The French have been drinking it for years whilst being pregnant – now all you read about is fetal alcohol spectrum disorders. OOOFFFF. 

Then there’s the morning sickness... now don’t hate me ladies but truth be told I didn’t have even a day of it! I mean look I am no stranger to hugging the toilet bowl after one too many cosmo’s on a girls night out but I must confess this constant nausea that you are supposed to feel decided on the heed of some good advice to stay the hell away from me!  Seriously on a regular day I am pretty bitchy.  Yes yes, for those of you reading that know me stop nodding in agreement.  I swear though I had no idea that bitchiness could be taken to heights that would be a match even for Everest.  You know it was like an out of body experience.  I would watch myself completely unravelling at some really stupid thing like Mcdonalds messing up my order (yes I stuffed myself full of junk food!) and it would unleash a hissy fit that cruella de ville would be scared of. Can you imagine the plight of my hubby?  And he said he wanted 4 kids... HA!

There is something that takes over your body apart from the mini penis that draws you to everything baby.  Granted for most women it’s the cooing of a new born as their tiny finger grasps their mothers in recognition, or seeing the father takes his newborn for a stroll in the park.  For me all I could see was some baby spitting up on its mothers pristine white suit, or a newborn screaming in frustration as the new mother tries through some kind of telepathy to work out whether its a burp stuck or a dodgy tummy or colic or hunger or or or...??  It scared the daylights out of me.  I know we are graced with intuition but I know for a fact that God left that gene out of me.  All I could think was how am I going to know?  They (now I preface this by saying I have no clue who “they”are) They tell you it will all come to you naturally.  That I believe is truly one of the greatest lies of all time.  E News! Should have a special on the world’s greatest lies and I promise that would top the list.

Truth be told my first 3 months passed without much of anything... excitement, nervousness, awe, exhilaration. Nothing. Nada.  I just continued working crazy hours in hopes that like any problem if you ignored it long enough it would just go away.  Well I suppose that statement makes it sound like being pregnant was a problem.  It wasn’t.  I just didn’t experience what “they” tell you you will. I didn’t have this hole in my heart that was suddenly filled because I was pregnant, I didn’t have this need to go out and decorate the nursery straight away, I didn’t buy anything for the baby – denial you say? Maybe I’d like to think it was more like I was anaesthetized.  Which means that my reversible loss of sensation would come back in 6 months time as I wake to the sounds of a ear-splitting infant!