So the 3 months goes by and suddenly you look down and where I once prided myself on washboard abs was replaced by a belly that looked as if it had one too many pints of beer at a Christmas party. It wasn’t big enough of a bulge for people to notice but enough for me to know that my skinny jeans would stay in the closet for now until god knows when! Then one day you realise you can’t see your nee nee hoo anymore. Seriously for those of you who trim and prim yourself all I can say is get used to a waxing lady or a really good friend to help you! Because try as you might to push back that tummy and reach your nee nee hoo... well it just doesn’t work.
The other interesting myth about pregnancy is this eating for two thing. I mean really... such a teeny weeny thing growing inside you and yet I was eating for at least 5! I know you don’t believe me but it is true. At the end of my first pregnancy (yes can you believe I had more than one???) I weighed in exactly 22KG heavier! Ah the good ol days when you couldn’t see the lines between my toes because water found a way to retain itself in every bit of my body. The days when I’d convinced myself that a size 12 would fit me fine and I didn’t have to venture into the maternity section at Woolworths. But seriously I don’t understand this. It was like even my ears put on weight. It was just everywhere! OK I admit I ate a lot. And not that fancy healthy organic rubbish... I ate it all. Mcdonalds, KFC, Pizza, Chips, Crisps, Chillis, Orange Maids, Sour sweets, and last but not least mud. Good old fashioned mud. I would literally take my spoon into the garden sit on the grass and munch happily away. One day my hubby took me to an apartment that we were looking to invest in and I just said “get me out of here because I really need to eat the walls”. So naturally he got freaked out and rushed me to the emergency room. Much to his chagrin the doctors did not pack me off to the loony bin but actually laughed at him and said it was a perfectly natural reaction and that my body just needed more iron and calcium! That itsy bitsy thing growing inside you really does need everything!
Maternity clothes. Need I say more? Thank god it was summer in Jo’burg because had it been freezing I would have looked like a Sumo wrestler. Most of the clothes I tried on made me look even bigger than I was. All that nonsense about how it’s just pregnancy weight and you are not really fat is a load of bullocks. You are FAT! 22Kg fatter than you were 7 months ago?! Get over it and stop trying to call it beautiful pregnancy weight or justifying it. It is simple BLUBBER! So naturally I did what any sane person would have done – I stayed naked. As much as possible. All the time. If I could have gone to work in the nude I would have. Oh the look on the FIFA’s executive faces would have been fantastic!
I am however proud to say that I did work till the very end of my pregnancy. Hefty feet and fashion unconscious. I think all that counsel about resting and taking it easy is just gobbledygook. It’s not like in those last few months you can sleep anyway. What with the 6 pillows you need to prop you up from every angle, the incessant peeing, the snoring loud enough to wake the neighbours. And then there is the no sleeping on your back and inevitably I would roll onto mine and end up with low blood pressure. So after one day of sitting my huge ass, belly and boobs (there are positives!) in the pool I went into labour... and that was not the plan!
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