So what exactly happens in those first 3 months anyway? You go and buy a dozen books on what is happening with your body and throw in a few for the hubby to read for good measure like “The blokes guide to pregnancy”. I must admit it did give him some good tips – things like what to say to you when you wake him at 5 am screaming at him in anger because you had a dream he cheated on you whilst you were pregnant, or how to never use lines like “darling it’s just your hormones”. I for one didn’t read a single book or flip through a magazine even. So you know how hypochondriacs think that every little sniffle is some kind of cause for major surgery? Well when it comes to contra-indications or for that matter any indications I am the same. I am sure I would have felt everything that every pregnant woman on the planet ever felt. And who said that ignorance isn’t bliss? I did however heed the advice of my doctor even though some of it truly was ridiculous. Sushi. OK I am not a fan of raw anything let alone smelly fish but tell me what do the millions living in Japan do? Wine. I mean come on! The French have been drinking it for years whilst being pregnant – now all you read about is fetal alcohol spectrum disorders. OOOFFFF.
Then there’s the morning sickness... now don’t hate me ladies but truth be told I didn’t have even a day of it! I mean look I am no stranger to hugging the toilet bowl after one too many cosmo’s on a girls night out but I must confess this constant nausea that you are supposed to feel decided on the heed of some good advice to stay the hell away from me! Seriously on a regular day I am pretty bitchy. Yes yes, for those of you reading that know me stop nodding in agreement. I swear though I had no idea that bitchiness could be taken to heights that would be a match even for Everest. You know it was like an out of body experience. I would watch myself completely unravelling at some really stupid thing like Mcdonalds messing up my order (yes I stuffed myself full of junk food!) and it would unleash a hissy fit that cruella de ville would be scared of. Can you imagine the plight of my hubby? And he said he wanted 4 kids... HA!
There is something that takes over your body apart from the mini penis that draws you to everything baby. Granted for most women it’s the cooing of a new born as their tiny finger grasps their mothers in recognition, or seeing the father takes his newborn for a stroll in the park. For me all I could see was some baby spitting up on its mothers pristine white suit, or a newborn screaming in frustration as the new mother tries through some kind of telepathy to work out whether its a burp stuck or a dodgy tummy or colic or hunger or or or...?? It scared the daylights out of me. I know we are graced with intuition but I know for a fact that God left that gene out of me. All I could think was how am I going to know? They (now I preface this by saying I have no clue who “they”are) They tell you it will all come to you naturally. That I believe is truly one of the greatest lies of all time. E News! Should have a special on the world’s greatest lies and I promise that would top the list.
Truth be told my first 3 months passed without much of anything... excitement, nervousness, awe, exhilaration. Nothing. Nada. I just continued working crazy hours in hopes that like any problem if you ignored it long enough it would just go away. Well I suppose that statement makes it sound like being pregnant was a problem. It wasn’t. I just didn’t experience what “they” tell you you will. I didn’t have this hole in my heart that was suddenly filled because I was pregnant, I didn’t have this need to go out and decorate the nursery straight away, I didn’t buy anything for the baby – denial you say? Maybe I’d like to think it was more like I was anaesthetized. Which means that my reversible loss of sensation would come back in 6 months time as I wake to the sounds of a ear-splitting infant!
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